lost in the wilderness???

wilderness....
the feeling of being lost....
i guess im lost in the wilderness already...
i just dont like this kind of feelings,when uu dont even know wat to do to urself..
when everything,everybody around uu seems dark,when uu just feel so alone,so lonely..
there is so much tension around uu,uu dun even trust the voices that keeps echoing around uu,around ur ears..
uu just hope to just simply falls into a dark pit and hides,hide from all the darkness,from all the voices,from all the glaring eyes,from all the feeling of lonliness,from uu urself..
i guess these is what im feeling right now..
being lost somewhere in the wilderness...

ive already apologised,ive done all i could,just so that we could go back to where we were before,but no,no,no....i really dont know what else can i do,just hope that we were like before,where uu would share ur problems with us,and i would share with uu..

i guess im feeling pretty bad these few weeks,no more strength in myself,so much so much have been happening,really feel like giving up sometimes,give up on everything..im really sorry for being so depressed here on my blog,but readers here,if uu are a christian,do keep me in ur prayers yea..i guess im picking myself up slowly,but i do need time y'all know..

hahax,gotta go mope over somethings again...
ciaoz...

have i decided?

haiz..
life is full of ups and downs...
sumwhere in the middle of it,uu may find a way out,bt sumtimes we juz may have to continue living through it and faced our biggest giants in the end....
have i really decided??
this question caused a lot of problems in my life....
decided is the word..
because of this word..alot of problems surfaced..
between me n my friends,between me n her..
is that really what she wants??
is it really what she wants..??
maybe she does not wants it,but god??
uu want it?
well,my heart is still pain and hurt,i guess i already cannot tell her this,cause she will pekcek in the end...well,i can only let my sorrows pour into this blog...
when i see her with him..
my heart..sour,pain,hurt,torn...
bt she said..:"we are SURE.."
ok....
anyway,whether im pain or not,she will no longer care,why?because she say clearly alrd,let god take away,den return it to her again when is right time..so her sms are all cold nowadays...
im actually quite faithless now,towards alot of things...
when i saw her today again..i am lost for words,just feel that is no longer the same,she n i,its either she dislikes me or i dislike her,nothing more,i tried my best not to talk to her or look at her today already..i hope im doing good ya...
well,all i can say is its affecting me alot,alot more than wat ppl could think of..but i think i should thank stella for her words of wisdom today..i know its all the attack from the evil one..
i can only say,i will react in this manner becase i care,i care too much..way too much..
i only have words of apology towards her,for the hurts and pains i have given her...and lots of its ok for myself...thankyou..
maybe i should just continue living my life and not bother others alrd..let her have her freedom to make friends,to be close to her friends...
thank you..
this are my felings now..

what is this?

wat kind of feelings is this??
is just too pain to bear...
when i can only stand at such a distance and look at uu..
when i can only speak to uu as a very normal friend..
which makes me even more wants to avoid uu..
but when i see uu standing there with other people, laughing away,i just feel : "Alvin Tan,Why do uu have to bring so much pain and hurt to her??why do uu have to appear in her life at dis time??why??
there is already no more true joy in me,all is fake already,the only time when i can reali smile is when im praying and worshipping god..when i couldnt see uu,and when uu are off my mind and thoughts...
the sms i received from uu,is so cold,cold till a standard dat i can feel tears whelming up in my eyes..my heart turned all soury..
before this whiole thing,it wasnt like dat,at least the msgs uu send me,it still contains some friendship feelings..now the msgs i received,i only feel hurt and pain...
i know what uu mean,but please,this is really too terrible,there is no feelings at all when uu sms me..not even abit of friendship feelings...
i will try my best to avoid sms uu and stuffs already..im praying,and god is speaking to me,uu have been a support to me all the while, now that uu are gone,i will have to learn to depend on god more,thx for ur support all this while..i just dunno whether i still have strength to go on anot..but i wanna tell uu..go on...smile on...be happy on...dun let urself dwell in too much work and forget that there is joy and fun from god...take caress lots,i will try my best,all the best to uu in ur spm..
im sorry for saying all this,but if i dun say now,i dun think i will still have chance to say liao...just take it as i've given up or wat bah,until the right time when i still have the strength to say: "i love uu, b",uu just take it that i've given up...im sorri,uu know my feelings the best,and i know urs,bt i want uu to assume can liao,just assume i have given up,so that uu wont take me as a burden ok..
anyway thx for the christmas gift..
good night..

tiring day,...

wow,spent a whole day in church helping out with the christmas deco thingy and stuffs..spray the fan and help to do the leaves,well,didnt really accomplish much la today...bt it was fun,and i also used the little bit of time to explain somethings to her..
at the end,we were discussing how to finish..then she keep insisting to bring it home to finish..of course i dont let,she has not been sleeping well because of all dis projects,so no matter wat,even if she is angry at me,i also cannot let her bring home and do...cause she will not sleep wan after dat..im sorry for saying all dis...
after dat went to a short fellowship with salem,den went to help out Aunty Yee Khim to move some stuffs from perling to rosmerah,then from rosmerah to johor jaya, then to permas jaya..is moving all those furnitures...is super tired lo..but well,steamboat tomorrow!!!
anyway,there will be a steamboat coming tommorow..hahas..thats all for today..

trip to singapore..

well,it seems like it has been a long time since i post anything...
anyway,it is busy la...
but...
i went to singapore today with yong xin, eekiat, and yi jia..
our purpose was to go shopping shopping shopping and take photos..
but..
in the end,we ended up spending most of our time in the arcade..
well,it seems like a past time for yongxin and eekiat to spend most of their time in the arcade..
anyway,we went to a few places..
first,Tampines shopping mall...(arcade)
Then,Bugis Junction...(arcade again)
Then,Bugis street...
Then,Orchard..(destination of the day...)
well,it was a enjoyable and "xia suay" trip lo...
it was fun spending time with my brothers,but yong xin keep "xia suay-ing" us,by shouting loudly and doing way crazy stuffs,which is actually his usual self..(the quiet side of him is not usual wan..hahax..)
we took alot of photos and the four of us bought a same shirt(view it at ur pleasure this sat),same pants(except yijia,who bought another shirt)...
haiz,all the photos are with eekiat,so i cant post it yet,maybe another time bah...
for the mission post,also maybe another time bah...
well dats all for now,havent actually bath yet,cause just reach home,oh ya,i forgot to mention,today was also the first day the new malaysian custom is open and operating..and well,my opinion is dat its reali reali reali troublesome to travel dat way,cause a walk from the starting point to the end of the old msia custom which usually take abt 5mins now have turn into around 20mins-30mins at the new customs including scanning of passports...wah...reali troublesome!!!!
wah,its reali late now,going to church to help out for the christmas deco thing early in the morning..going to bath then slp dyy..nitey nitez ppl!!!